The stealing of Butterburs food cache
by kate31785
Summary: The fellow ship gets together to steal butterburs food cache


*Disclaimer* The charaters and places in this story do not belong to me. (Obviously.) They belong to tolkien.  
  
Oh and this fiction thing is pretty weird because I wasn't the only one to Write it.  
  
THE STEALING OF BUTTERBURS FOOD CACHE  
  
One day Merry and Pippin were somewhere in the shire, when Legolas walks up to them followed by Frodo and Sam, and he anounces...  
  
I am on a mission wrought of danger and filled with fear. We're going to Bree to break into Barlimen Butterbur's food cache. Are you willing to aid us? The Hobbits replied eagerly... Yes That sounds fun!" said Merry and Pippin together. "Wooo whoo! we're gonna steal ButterBurs Foot cache!" Squealed Pippin, hopping up and down. "Great! What's a foot cache?" asked Pippin. Merry stared blankly at him and replied... "It's a place where food is stored, Pippin!" His tone was scolding, "We call it a pantry!"  
  
Pippin's eyes lit up in understanding, "Oh, right!"  
  
Legolas blinked, feeling dismayed already, "I chose you two for this...I have not the slightest clue as to why."  
  
Suddenly, a Hobbit plowed into him from behind, his head down and his hands full of gardening tools.  
  
"Here! Beg pardon but I must be gettin' ta Mr. Frodo's garden! There's weedin' ta be done!" Samwise muttered.  
  
Legolas laughed in delight, "My dear Samwise, just the hobbit I was wanting! Would you..."  
  
"Would you mind fetching Frodo for me?" Sam had a weird look on his face as if Fetching frodo was his... pre-ordained goal in life, like all he ever wanted to do was go and fetch his master.  
  
"What for? He needs ta be relaxin' at home after the terrible things he's been through, if ya follow me."  
  
Legolas gave him a stern look, "Now look here Master Samwise, we're going on a mission to...  
  
Pippin cut lagolas off, we're on a mission to steel butterburs foot!" Leoglas sighed, "No Pippin we're not gonna steal Butterburs foot..." Pippin cut him off again. "Will you join us on this Mission, quest, thing? to steal Butterburs foot!" Legolas glared at Pippin. "No Pippin we're not stealing Butterburs foot we're..." Pippin cut him off again looking like he was denied a real treat. "That's a shame I've allways wanted a... "...human's foot! They're so strange...hairless...not quite as broad...oh, oh and-!"  
  
Merry cut him off by slapping his hand over his mouth, "We're off to steal Butterbur's food cache...Legolas said so."  
  
Samwise Gamgee gave them all strange looks, wondering what sort of weed they had been smoking in their pipes as of late, and shrugged his broad shoulders, "Right. There's no need to get him. He's comin' this way. You kept me from gettin' there on time, I'm afraid."  
  
Legolas shifted from one foot to the other, his famous patience beginning to wear thin, "Frodo, would you join us on our most important of quests?"  
  
Frodo's brows creased, "But I thought we already did that.... mission quest... thing." Legolas sighed. "How did Gandalf put up with these..." Pippin cut him off again. "Did you say food cache!!! Does it involve food!" Legolas gave merry a worried look Merry just shrugged his shoulders. And whispered to legolas... "Ever since that Entwash, he just hasn't been the same upstairs!"  
  
Legolas nodded in sudden understanding.  
  
Frodo rubbed his hands together, "All right. Might as well. Got nothing better to do around here. Come along Sam, lets have another adventure!"  
  
Sam's shoulders drooped, "Very well Mr. Frodo."  
  
Legolas lead them to a large cart; "There's no need to walk when one can ride!" He spoke softly to the horse leading the carriage, the horse that also wore no reigns, and the horse backed the cart up to the edge of the road, where they were all standing.  
  
The four Hobbits all scrambled up, happily laying dibs out on the best spots for a seat.  
  
Legolas jumped up and spoke more words to the creature and the carriage took off down the road, their adventure just beginning...  
  
then all of a sudden a man jumps out in front of them, and they accidentally run over him. They stopped the cart to see who it was, when they saw him they realized that it was Gandalf. "Oh no! we killed Gandalf!" squeaked Pippin. "Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted. "I'm not dead! I'm just... "Lying in the road to straighten out my back!"  
  
Pippin hid his face behind Merry's shoulder and proceeded to poke and prod at Sam, testing the Gamgee's patience.  
  
"Mithrandir! Join us on our perilous quest!"  
  
Gandalf raised a bushy brow, "Quest? What sort of mission do you speak of?"  
  
Pippin suddenly popped back into view, "Well, you see...  
  
We're on a mission quest... thing... to uhhh err... " Pippin scratches his head. Merry tries to help him... "Steal..." Pippin jumps up and down. "Oh yeah, we're on a mission to steal butterburs foot..." "Nooo..." said Merry talking to pippin as if he were a child. "I mean food cache" Everyone claps Gandalf smiles, "I'm in! first let me get my... "Traveling partner. Now where did Aragorn get off to."  
  
Over by a nearby fence, Aragorn was making eyes at a young Hobbit lass, using his rugged charm to win her over.  
  
Frodo gave a whoop, "Strider! Come! Travel with us!"  
  
Aragorn looked over, his attention suddenly diverted, "Where to...?" "Pippin can tell you!" said merry smiling. Every one looked at Pippin. And Pippin said... Pippin scratched his head for a moment, "I...forgot. Where're we going?"  
  
Legolas felt like kicking all four hobbits from the Shire back to Morder but calmly said, "We're off to Bree to steal Barliman Butterbur's food cache. Gandalf is coming so you may as well hop aboard!"  
  
Strider shrugged, "Whatever."  
  
He hopped into the back of the cart and, witha flirtatious wave at the hobbit lass, turned back to Frodo and said, "What's the name of that young lady over there?"  
  
Frodo replied, "...."  
  
"miss Daisy Gamgee, that's Sams sister." Aragorn laughed "Well she was great in bed." Sam was Glaring at Strider. "If you weren't king I would..." Sam made a violent gesture. Aragorn laughed. "Yeah sure Sam your a little... Legolas reached back and slapped his hand over Strider's mouth just in time to stop the threat from rolling off his tongue.  
  
"Enough. We're a fellowship again. We're off!" Legolas leaned over the edge of the cart and whispered, "Nora lim, Trigger, Nora lim!"  
  
And, fast as lightening, the horse began to run down the bumpy road.  
  
After being jostled into one another too many times to count, the Hobbits grew angry.  
  
Pippin crossed his arms, "Why are we *bump* stuck back here on *bumptiy bump bump* hard wood planks while Lego*bump*las is on a cushion!?"  
  
Frodo glared at the relaxed Elf, "Good question. And I know the answer!"  
  
Suddenly, he....  
  
fell out of the cart and rolled down a hill right at Tom Bombadils feet. Frodo looked frightened. Tom Bombadil smiled and... died just in time for Legolas to back track and pick up the fallen Hobbit.  
  
"You fall much too often. I have made a leash and will tie you to Samwise. He'll look after you."  
  
Frodo grumbled, looking over his shoulder at the dead Tom Bombadil and shrugged, "He was always one for one too many pipe fulls of weed..."  
  
Pippin had a large grin on his face by the time the Hobbit and the Elf got back. Legolas didn't take it into consider but simply hopped back onto the shelf on which he was sitting. He shifted around uncomfortable, wondering what felt different, but shrugged it off and cheered their horse on.  
  
Gandalf wiggled his rear deeper into the cushion that the crafty Took had managed to secure and nodded his thanks.  
  
Just then, a band of orcs sprang up from the side of the road. Legolas gave a war cry and...  
  
  
  
Frodo fell with Sam attached to him. Strider jumped to his feet and rid them of the orcs, then suddenly Gimili and Arwen appeared out of nowhere. Arwen tried to... Cut the rope that held Frodo and Samwise togehter, but instead, being the stupid elf witch that she is, she swung her sword backwards, effectively slicing her head clean from her neck. Aragorn saw this but paid no mind to it as he struggled to save Pippin and Merry, who were having a hard time trying to save the cushion from the evil orcs, and get them to safety. He had no time to worry over elf witches! Frodo and Sam finally freed themselves. Strider helped them back in the cart while Gimili killed the last of the Orcs. Legolas yelled. "Hey Gimili do you want to... "Have an orgy later? The way you swung that ax just did something for me!"  
  
Gimili nodded brusquely, "Whatever you wish Master Elf. But in order to have an orgy we much have more then two people!"  
  
Legolas looked to the hobbits... The hobbit, except Pippin, looked frightened and huddled together, Sam and Frodo looked a little too close to one another, they were hugging each other tightly and... Sam had a devilish gleam in his eye.  
  
Gandalf waved his arms in the air, "Enough of this nonsense! Come! We're SUPPOSED to be on a mission to Bree!"  
  
Strider shrugged, why didn't legolas ask him? Pippin Stared at Merry. Merry started feeling nervous. Sam was still hugging Frodo even after Gandalf said enough. Frodo coughed "Uh Sam what... "Is your hand doing...down *there*."  
  
Sam jumped a bit, "Oh! Sorry Mr. Frodo, I thought that was your hip, begging your pardon." Sam didn't sound at ::all:: believable.  
  
Strider gave Legolas one more wistful look before turning his eyes back to the curious acting Hobbits.  
  
  
  
"Sam get off me!" said Frodo in a panicked voice. Pippin was still staring at Merry. Gandalf started singing some interesting song "Hey ho, to the pub I go to heal my heart and drown my woe. Though rain may fall and wind may blow... "There'll still be...many miles to go!"  
  
Pippin suddenly lunged at Merry, tackling him to the floor of the cart.  
  
Frodo and Sam's riff was forgotten as they watched Merry and Pippin begin to...  
  
Make out. "Oh ouch, should they be doing that?" Asked Sam cringing. Legolas looked like he was about to join them. But Gandalf held him back, as Merry Pushed Pippin off himself. Gimili looked as if he were denied a royal treat. Merry decided to sit on the other side of Frodo away from Pippin. Gandalf smiled and went back to singing while Leglas looked ticked off. Then Frodo asked... "Why did you two stop?"  
  
Merry brushed his hand across his mouth, "Because you guys were watchin' us!"  
  
Gandalf's singing stopped abruptly, "Well what kind of excuse is that?"  
  
Pippin started slinking back over the Merry's side of the cart, doing a very good impression of Gollum. So good that Frodo began to squeal and try and climb into Strider's lap.  
  
"I SAW YOU FALL! YOU FELL INTO MOUNT DOOM! YOU CAN'T BE HERE! Get away you foul thing!"  
  
Pippin stopped and looked up, saying..."  
  
  
  
what?" Frodo jumped out of striders lap, strider looked unhappy about that, "Oh it's you Pippin for a moment there I thought you were Gollum." Sighed Frodo. Everyone started laughing. Then Pippin asked. "Oh... Who's Gollum?" everyone stopped laughing and stared at him with disbelief. Than Merry said... "You're hopeless! Come here and I'll tell you." He patted the bench and Pippin scurried the rest of the way over and sat down, looking very much like a content puppy.  
  
"Gollum was the nasty creature that bit off Cousin Frodo's finger."  
  
Pippin's eyes got as big as saucers, "THAT was Gollum! I thought it was Sam!"  
  
Frodo dropped his head into his hands; "Bree couldn't be any farther away could it?"  
  
Strider laughed, saying, "...  
  
We'll get there in three hours don't worry Frodo." Sam looked at Pippin. "If only I could get my hands on stinker and slinker I would... Ring the living crud out of the necks of 'em!"  
  
(A/n: Are we talkin' about gollum or...mer and pip??)  
  
Frodo looked ready to kiss Sam at the moment, thrilled that he would be protected by such a brave and admirable hobbit, "Oh Sam! Thank you!"  
  
Samwise Gamgee had the good grace to blush and hang his head.  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the cart....  
  
(a/n we were talking about Gollum)  
  
Legolas and Gimili were getting it on. (a/n this post just might get deleated lol) Strider looked very hurt when he saw that. Dumbldoor put a stop to it. Then all of a sudden... Gimli fell off the back of the wagon and was never seen or heard from again. (a/n: Eww....Gimli and Legolas??) Strider easily took the dwarves place and things continued from there.  
  
At this point Gandalf had jumped to the front of the cart and lead the horse on. By his magic they were suddenly at the gates of Bree, newly rebuilt after the gatekeeper had gotten crushed beneath them.  
  
Frodo looked shocked, "Metal doors...ingenious!"  
  
And Sam replied, "..."  
  
"I love you Frodo!" Frodo looked nervous. "Well Sam I uh..." Pippin Smiled. Then merry said... "I love you Pippin! Lets all get married in the Bree City Church!"  
  
Legolas looked at Strider and said, "How about it?"  
  
Strider replied, "..."  
  
"No I'd rather Marry that nice Hobbit lass..." "Sams sister asked Frodo. "Why yes." replied strider Sam leapt up and... Began beating Strider's smirking grin into his face, "She wouldn't have you! You can't stay with us in our hobbit hole! I had to sleep in a basket all my child hood! Where would we fit YOU!?" He screamed.  
  
Strider opened his mouth and began, " kissing Sam." Frodo got ticked off and started banging his fists on striders back! (a/n that didn't sound right)Gandalf grabbed Frodo around the waist and... Used him for a doorknocker while all the commotion went on behind him.  
  
The new doorman, a geeky Human named Trod, peeped through the hole, "What?"  
  
Gandalf sighed, "I was hear only yesterday. Let me pass."  
  
Trod glared, "No!" He then proceeded to sulk.  
  
Gandalf threw him arms in the air and dropped Frodo to the ground, "This is useless..."  
  
(A/n To be continued. maybe) 


End file.
